Medium Rare
by Demothenes and Locke
Summary: What happens when you mix Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and some wacky aliens with a talkshow? Medium Rare! My first fanfic, please RR!
1. The Asprin That Didn't Work

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately, I do not own any of the Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings characters. Wish I did, though.

Artemis Fowl couldn't get to sleep. He had a horrible headache, and the Advil he'd taken hadn't worked. His parents were in France, and the only people in Fowl Manor were himself, Butler, and Juliet. Juliet was glued to the TV screen, watching some wrestling show, and Butler was completely conked out on a couch. The young genius kept on seeing these things on the side of his vision, but every time he turned to look at it, it was gone.

He finally decided to get on his computer and play chess, which usually put him to sleep very quickly. (The computer was that bad.) He had already checkmated the opposing king four times in ten minutes when a knock sounded on the door.

"Come in," he said wearily. His head was throbbing like heck, and he was tired, even though he found it impossible to fall asleep.

The door opened. Artemis frowned. No one was there! He got up from his computer and started for the door, but when he was halfway there, he was hit with a gust of gas, and he collapsed, unconscious, to the floor.

Goose-Goose grinned. They had their last contestant! She pulled out her checklist, just to be sure.

_Juliet Butler _

_Domovoi Butler _

_Artemis Fowl _

_Holly Short _

_Foaly Centaur _

_Mulch Diggums _

_Harry Potter _

_Luna Lovegood _

_Aragorn of Gondor _

_Legolas Greenleaf _

_Gimli, son of Gloin _

Wonderful! Now she could return to Omega! She dragged- what was his name- oh, yes, Artemis, out of the room, where her two sisters, Toast Blossom and Spoony, were waiting. "That's the last of the contestants!" she said cheerfully

"Wow, we made awesome time!" said Spoony.

"We? More like _I _made awesome time. All you two dorks did was operate the transporter," retorted Goose-Goose. "And I know that is _such _a hard job," she added in a sickly sweet sarcastic tone.

"It's harder than just opening the gas tankdragging the contestants out here!"

"Would you guys just shut your traps and get inside the retardedtransporter?" asked Toast Blossom, who was getting very annoyed by now. They stuck out their tongues at her, but did as she requested. Once they were all inside, along with the unconscious contestants, Toast Blossom said clearly, "Planet of Omega, Medium Rare TV Station, February seventh, 2005." With a great _whoosh_, they were there.

Stevie PotRoast was very annoyed at her three friends, the PanRoast sisters. (Goose-Goose and Company.) They had said they would return at 5:00, and at 5:01, they still had not arrived!"Lisa FryRoast!" Stevie shouted angrily. "Where the heck are those retarded PanRoast girls! Every show, they're late. Think they could come on_ time_, for once?"

Lisa rolled her eyes. "Give them a few more minutes. I mean, they have to travel all over the world, in two different time periods, plus return to this planet that's in a different dimension. Remember, _you're _the one who gave'm the oldest transporter we got.It only travels a lightyear a minute, top speed. Our fastest can go four times asquick."

Jimmy, Stevie's younger sister, came into the room. "Lisa's got a point," she admitted.

"Fine! It's all a mutiny against me! Put down everything I say or do, and get me so discouraged that I'll let Jimmy be the host. I don't think so!"

Lisa and Jimmy were still looking at each other with confused faces when the transporter arrived. Toast Blossom got out first. "Heyyyyyyyyy!" she said with a big smile. "We're here, like, almost half an hour early."

"We Rockkkkkkkkkkk!" Spoony exclaimed.

"Oh, Stevie!" Lisa said in a sing-songy voice. "What was that about them being late? Apparently, _you _told them to arrive at 5:30."

"Did I?" The PanRoast sisters nodded at her. "Did I really say 5:30?" Nod, nod. "That was a mistake, and it wasn't my fault!" Lisa and Jimmy looked at her disbelievingly.

"Whose fault was it, then?"

"It was-"

Stevie was cut off by a groan from the transporter. Toast Blossom and Goose-Goose grinned. "The contestants are awake!" they said simultaneously. (A/N: Yea for vocab words!) Goose-Goose walked in, and the faint traces of "hello?" could be heard through the transporters thick walls.

Artemis looked around in confusion. Where was he? There was a stand in front of him, like the host of a show would use, and the words MEDIUM RARE flashed across a wall in neon lights. "And here we have our first contestant to wake up, Artemis Fowlllllll!" said a strangely high-pitched and female voice from behind him. He flipped around quickly, already devising a plan in his giant head to escape.

"Where am I?" he asked coolly, but Stevie (the one who had announced him) could hear the fear and perplexity in his voice.

"You're at the greatest talkshow in the entire galaxy, right here on Omega, MEDIUM RAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"This totally sucks."


	2. Randomness and Whyness

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the characters mentioned in the story below, blah, blah, blah. These things get boring. Oh! I do own Lisa, Spoony, Toast Blossom, Goose-Goose, Jimmy, and Stevie! Kinda.

**Chapter Two: Randomness and Why-ness**

Medium Rare had started only two years ago, with Jimmy and Stevie PotRoast as the hosts. The show was basically interviews with stars from Omega. (The planet the aliens live on.) Every once in awhile, they have a Special with all kinds of famous people from Earth, in the past and present. Their three technicians, Goose-Goose, Spoony, and Toast Blossom PanRoast, take the pride of the Omegians, a transporter, to earth and travel through time and space to retrieve their guests. Lisa FryRoast is an alien who is the show's coordinator, and she arranges for the guests to come. (A/N: Just telling you this because I got a review that said the first chapter was confusing, so I'm just clearing it up a bit. By the way, all of the aliens who work on the show are female.)

"Now, Artemis, there are lots of little children watching this show, let's keep the language to the minimum."

"This totally sucks," he repeated.

"Now, Arty," said Jimmy, changing the subject. "How does it feel like, to have ruined so many lives? You are a liar, a cheater, and a con artist. What do you think about your life, personally?"

Artemis could tell that this freako alien wanna-be thought of him as an absolute criminal. Well, he supposed she was right. Mostly. Completely. "Whose life have I ruined, may I ask?"

"Take a look at this poor fairy," said Stevie, gesturing behind him. At the word fairy, Artemis jumped and looked around. It was Holly! "What the he-"

"Language, Arty!" Jimmy reminded him.

Now that Artemis was turned around, he could see who else must have been taken from their homeland. On one side of the transporter, there was a short, red haired man with a grizzly beard, a tall, slim one with long blonde locks, and a strong-looking, average height one with brown hair that fell to his shoulders. In another heap were two figures- a slim teenage girl with dirty blonde hair and another teenager that looked like Harry Potter. (It's not like Artemis liked the books, he found them to be quite infuriating and immature, and he hadn't gotten past the first chapter of them.)

Near the door were Juliet and Butler, and where Holly was, there was also, to his surprise, Foaly and Mulch!

None of the captives but Holly had even stirred. (She was just opening her eyes.)

"D'Arvit!" she cursed, feeling for the gun that wasn't there.

"It's quite alright," said Artemis, strolling over to where she lay. "They've got us at some kind of talkshow, and we're the guest stars. They're quite harmless, I believe."

"You _believe_!" said Holly, infuriated. "What the heck are we doing in this dunghole!"

"You're guest stars, I'm Toast Blossom, and we're filming!" said Toast Blossom, (obviously) still smiling like a clown. (As always.)

Now the other guest stars were waking up, rubbing their heads in confusion and pain. (The gas gives you quite a headache, remember the Advil that didn't work? Artemis was breathing in traces of the gas used for Butler and Juliet.) Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn tried to take out their weapons, but found they weren't there. Ditto for Luna's and Harry's wands, Butler's gun, and Juliet's lipstick tube. (It wasn't a weapon; she just wanted to touch it up.)

"Ah, all of our guests have awakened!" said Stevie happily, diverting her attention from Artemis and Holly for the moment. "Now I think it's time for some… Trivia of Terror! I'd like all of you to line up against the wall and face me. Why, it seems like Mr. Legolas Greenleaf is first! Now, Legolas. Can I call you Lego? No? Anyway… Legolas, today we have a trivia question that I think will knock your socks off! It's from a book that was written in the 1900's, and since you obviously weren't alive then, it's impossible for you to get it!"

Legolas was looking very uncomfortable at the loss of his elvish bow and his two swords, but he nodded nevertheless. "Okay. You have twenty seconds to answer this question. And it is… From the popular Earth series Lord of the Rings, who is Isildur's heir?"

Legolas looked at Aragorn, then back at Stevie. "Aragon of Gondor," he said in his absolutely awesome British accent. (A/N: I love Orlando!)

Stevie looked incredibly dumbstruck. "That's… correct," she said, almost reluctantly.

The lights on the set started flashing, and the song 'Celebration" came on at the loudest possible volume from the speakers. Everyone was too busy covering their ears to hear the next question. Once the music lowered (took you long enough, Goose-Goose), Jimmy started reading it. "And here we have Juliet Butler, a bodyguard, all the way from Ireland, Earth! Now, Juliet," she said, getting more serious. "This question will be very hard. We have found that only the male contestants can answer it."

"Bring it on!"

"What wrestler won the 2002 worldwide championship, in Hong Kong, China?"

"Ace Rodriguez, more commonly known as the 'Cyclops'. He trained since he was six, and since then has won more than six major championships. His child is Bobby Greg, he was married to Freida Norman, but they're divorced now, and his address is 3424…"

"Well, it seems that we have a smart bunch of guest stars on this show!" said Stevie in a fake happy voice (you could tell that she was absolutely boiling inside) before the song 'Let's Get it Started' started playing, at an even louder volume than before. "Goose-Goose!" Stevie screamed. The volume lowered.

"Now, we have Luna Lovegood, strait from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Now, Luna, don't be disappointed if you don't answer this right. No one in the history of this gameshow has. Here it is… in what country can you find the endangered Crumple-Horned Snorkack?"

Luna's eyes were shining. "Sweden!" she said happily. "I've got pictures right here, too…"

Luna was cut off by an earsplitting scream from Jimmy. "Why! Why! Why did you pick these people who know the answers to everything? Whyyyyyyyyy!"

Stevie was still trying to calm her when the lights went black.


	3. Frolicking through Flowers and Insults G...

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, or L.O.T.R. characters. I would make them do evil things. Very evil. Evil enough that You-Know-Who himself would shrink back in fear. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Please review, people, I've gotten like, two of them and would like a little feedback.

Demosthenes

**Chapter Three: Frolicking through Flowers and Insults Galore**

"Goose-Goose!" Stevie screamed, as mad as a sixteen year old nerd whose blanket you've stolen. "When I get you, I'm going wring your little-"

"Neck," Lisa, Jimmy, Stevie, Foaly, and Holly chorused. (The centaur and fairy had been around Root far too long.) Unfortunately, the little 'choir of angels', as Spoony later described it as, only made Stevie about ten times madder.

"Sorry!" said Goose-Goose, her head popping out from behind a curtain. "Minor mishap, I assure you."

"_Minor mishap_! I'll give you minor mishap! When I wrench your guts from your skin and poke out your eyeballs with a burning piece of metal! You're fired! Get out! Get out! Get out, you little dork!"

Goose-Goose glared daggers at her. "Dork's _my_ word, you half-crazed imbecile."

"Pickle head!"

"Booger brain!"

"Insane lunatic!"

"Elephant-butt feather!" (A/N: inside joke.)

"At least _I _don't sniff metal, you metal-sniffer!"

"At least _I'm _not an obsessive compulsive freak!"

"At least _I_- wait, no, that was me."

In a common Omegian home, a mother covered her son's ears. "Go upstairs, sweetie-pumpkin," she said.

"No! I wanna see this," said little Tyler, fascinated.

"Fart machine!"

"Semi-frozen corndog retard!" (A/N: another inside joke.)

"Whale killer!"

"Insane lunatic!"

"Stupid- wait! You called me that already! Ha, ha!"

Stevie marched off, downcast and defeated. "Hey!" Goose-Goose said happily. "Now _I _get to be a co-host! That totally rocks!"

"Not without me!" said Spoony angrily. "You always get to do the fun stuff!"

"Helloooo? What about the beautiful Toast Blossom?"

"Like you would get to do it? Sorry to break it to ya, Toasty, you're the youngest!"

"And _I'm _the oldest!" said Goose-Goose triumphantly. "Stand aside, mortals!"

During this whole episode, the guest stars were looking at each other like the aliens were absolute freaks. (Actually, they kind of are.) Mulch wasn't really paying attention; instead, he was trying to find a bit of not-metal in the whole room. Harry and Luna were searching for their wands, Gimli for his axe, Legolas for his bow, and along with Aragorn, his swords. Foaly was standing by, looking amused, Holly was trying to find some dirt, (naughty fairy, didn't do the Ritual!) Butler for his guns, Juliet for her lipstick, and Artemis was looking around and yawning, as if he saw this kind of thing every day.

Lisa (the smart one) finally stood up and gave a loud, piercing whistle with her fingers. The commotion stopped, and everyone looked at her innocently. "Thank you," she said placidly. "As I was going to say…"

"You weren't going to say anything," Artemis informed her.

She blushed. "Anyway, please, we're on live television now, we're adults, let's solve this like adults."

"I beg to differ," said Harry, Luna, and Artemis dryly.

"Where'd Stevie go?" asked Spoony.

"Yea, where's Stevie?"

"I'm right here," said a voice from behind the curtain.

The crowd looked. No one stepped out. "Uh, Stevie?" asked Toast Blossom. Again, no one came out.

"Look, Stevie, if you're mad about the whole insults thing, I'm sorry," said Goose-Goose.

"Stevie?"

"Helllllllo?"

"Stevegirl?

"Steveanie Carmel PotRoast, if you don't get your but outta there right now, _I'm _gonna tell Mom about Redway Bartel and the elephant junk."

Stevie jumped out. "NO! Don't tell ANYONE!"

"Tell us what?" they asked slyly.

"JIMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"


	4. High Score Geniuses

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this story, or Albert Einstein.

**Chapter Four: High Score-Geniuses**

Much to the dismay of Lisa, Spoony, Goose-Goose, and Toast Blossom, Stevie would not say a word about 'Redway Bartel and the elephant junk'. While they were trying to persuade her, Toast Blossom got the brilliant idea to force _Jimmy _to tell them, under penalty of death or life imprisonment. Unfortunately, Stevie threw her (Jimmy) out the window before she got the chance to tell them. Thankfully for Jimmy, Medium Rare is set underground. Therefore, there is no possible way for it to have any windows.

While they were threatening to punch,(Goose-Goose) kill, (Lisa) behead, (Spoony, though it's kind of the same thing as kill) or sing to (Toast Blossom) Stevie, the contestants were having their own private conversation in the back of the station.

"I think they're absolutely crazy!" said Luna. (Aren't you one to talk, Loony Lovegood who reads the Quibbler upside down.)

"I say we ambush 'em," interjected Gimli.

"Great idea," said Foaly sarcastically. "Question is, how're we going to pull that off if they have our weapons, the upper hand, _and _we're on their territory?"

"How am I supposed to know?'

"It was your idea!"

"At least I'm not some pony!"

"Ponyboy to you, Shorty."

Legolas was mad now. No one could call Gimli Shorty and get away with it! "Now, listen here, you Orc-"

"I say we take their equipment and run for it," interrupted Mulch, who was very excited about being out of jail, and whose kleptomania was kicking in.

"That would work fine for you, dirt-eater, if this whole place wasn't made out of solid rock!"

"I believe that there is a simple answer to this whole affair," said Artemis coolly.

"Sorry to break it to ya, Mudboy, but there isn't any way for you to slither out of trouble this time," said Holly, who was very infuriated at the loss of her gun.

"I'm not talking about slithering, I'm talking about turning a doorknob," he said, gesturing toward the transporter.

They all turned to face it. "Well, I'll be darned," said Foaly. "The Mudboys done it again!"

"It was a simple matter of remembering how they brought us here and using that against them, Foaly, not rocket science."

Foaly glared at him. "I was trying to give you a compliment, so why don't you just accept it?"

"Of course I knew that, Foaly. I just wanted the whole Omegian world to know it."

"Little Mudboy brat."

"Are we going to get out of here or not?" asked Juliet. "Yesssssssss!" (She had found her lipstick.)

"Of course. Everyone get in. Yes, you too, Mulch. Don't think you're going to get away from the LEP."

The squad of Omegians was watching the guests with amusement. "Wow," said Stevie appreciatively. "It only took them about a minute to realize they can use the transporter. Write that down, Lisa. A new record."

Lisa took out a notebook and carefully wrote the words: Transporter- one minute. "Let's see how long it takes them to figure out how to use it," she said, closing the pad of paper.

"My bet's five minutes," said Jimmy.

"You're on!" exclaimed Toast Blossom. "The records and hour! They're never going to get that!"

"But they have Fowl and Ponyboy. Two geniuses, pureblood."

"The group that got an hour had Albert Einstein, not to mention Nicolas Flamel!" (A/N: Nicolas Flamel is the guy from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone who was six hundred and something years old.)

"Yea, but Nick wasn't a _complete _genius, just pretty smart."

"This kid has stolen gold from _Haven_!"

That awed them. "Haven?" asked Spoony, "Are you sure?"

"Yep!" said Toast Blossom. "This Irish guy even wrote a book about him."

"But wouldn't that betray the fairy's secret? No one knows about them, like they have no idea about us."

"Nah, they think its fiction. Really!"

"Stupid humans."

Hope you liked it! I know it's kinda random, but I'm home sick and _very _bored. Please review!

Demosthenes


	5. When People Get Mad

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Do you think I'm Eoin Colfer, J.K. Rowling, or whoever wrote LOTR? No. I'm Demosthenes, and I hate disclaimers.

Hello People. I haven't written this story forever, so sorry. Please review it. I need help. If you like this story, try Artemis and the Villa. It was written by the Locke part of Demothenes and Locke. I'm Demosthenes, by the way.

* * *

**Chapter Five: When People Get Mad**

The contestants were having a bit of a rough time.

Harry absolutely insisted on being in the transporter at all times, since he didn't want it to leave without him. Much to the amusement of the show hosts, he got into a battle with Legolas over shotgun. He protested that in any other seat he would get carsick, even when Juliet (who had, incidentally, read all of the Harry Potter books and was feeling a bit like an evil weed since she had discovered that her lipstick was not Sunset Magenta but Rose Pink) forcefully reminded him that he had once flown from England to Scotland (A/N: not a lot of people know this, but Hogwarts is actually in Scotland) in a flying car without a twitch.

He ignored her.

Then Mulch tried to sneak away through the back door, not wanting to face the LEP when (if) they returned to Haven. Holly had a few words to say to him, involving some not-so-nice insults and the word D'Arvit multiple times.

Arty, Foaly, and Luna were having a loud discussion on whether the stabilizers were necessary or if they could be morphed into a Gurglepipper net due to the sheen of the metal, and Aragorn was acting extremely un-Aragorn-like by crouching in a shadowed corner of the transporter and crying, "Arwen! No! Eowyn! No! Arwen! No! Eowyn! No!" The gas seemed to have had an interesting effect on his mind. Gimli was shouting curses and praying to some dwarf god, scared out of his wits by the stabilizers turning into a butterfly net and back again repeatedly. Butler was observing the situation, thinking about how much this was like the Great Alpaca Fight of '89. Don't ask.

It was all very amusing.

This continued for about twenty minutes, until finally Aragorn won, Juliet won (ha ha, Harry got beaten twice), Holly won, Artemis and Foaly won, Aragorn's mental breakdown stopped, Gimli was pacified by Goose-Goose, and Butler was hit in the head by a fingernail-clipper. Suddenly the chatter stopped and all everyone heard was Toast-Blossom talking on her specially-made cell-phone for out-of-dimension calls. (My, that's a lot of dashes.)

"… Okay, okay, I'll pick you up at eight… Oh, don't worry. Its completely undetectable… See ya at eight then, Bobby honey!" She snapped her cell shut. Everyone was staring at her. "What?" she asked.

Jimmy started cracking up. "I can't believe you!" she (as I said before, even Jimmy and Stevie are girls) exclaimed. "You have a boyfriend! Named Bobby too. Man, that's _pathetic_!"

Toasty blushed. "He's not my boyfriend!" she screeched. "I don't even know who he is!"

"You knew his cell-phone number," Spoony observed dryly.

"No I didn't! He called me!"

"I clearly saw you call him."

"No I didn't!"

"Wait till I tell Mom! You're gonna be grounded forever!"

They ran out.

"My, that was amusing," said Holly.

"Oh so amusing," said Artemis.

"The most amusing thing in all of Gondor," said Aragorn.

"I have to pee," said Harry.

"Oh, God."

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**Please review. Thanks.**

**Demosthenes**


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